We're all mad here.

This week, I've officially fallen down the Rabbit-Hole. And it is only Tuesday.

I can't remember the last time, or if ever, I've had an anxiety attack, an official anxiety attack. What a disconcerting experience. To lose complete control, of your body and your mind. To not be able to see your way out. To feel like it is never going to end. To cry uncontrollably. To be unable to sit still or think about anything besides what is going on. And why.

It's the 'why' that gets me. I left work last Friday and - come on, it was FRIDAY. Is there anyone leaving work, leaving the city, on a Friday around 5ish who isn't in a great mood? On the train I get, and I'm riding riding riding...approaching my station and I start to shake. The shaking started on the inside and worked its way out. By the time I got to my car, I had to sit on my hands to stop them from spastically flying around. I couldn't even change the radio stations.

Logically, I couldn't find any explanation. At first, I didn't even know what was going on. After talking to Jackie, she confirmed it - anxiety. "It feels like my entire body is having restless leg syndrome." Yeah - anxiety.

But why? WhyWhyWhy. I will keep going back to why. I have all of your normal, late 20something worries. There is nothing standout that is going wrong or sour or downhill.

It's, quite literally, driving me crazy. The anxiety is feeding off of itself and festering in my head. It is causing me to make mountains out of teeny, tiny molehills. Then, the sequence repeats itself in an unending, emotional crash-and-burn that usually ends in some sort of fast food. Last night, it was Wendy's.

Instinctually, I want to fix things within myself. I want to get to the root of the issue, make it better and move on. It is proving difficult, thus far. Maybe I am not supposed to. Perhaps this is a lesson to me that everything has a cut-and-dry answer.

I cannot figure out Wonderland. I've decided to stop trying and keep falling.

So Purdy...

Surgery, by Joe Purdy

I can’t wait for the weekend
Like I can’t wait for you
I can’t wait for the weekend
‘Cuz I can’t wait for you

Goin’ down
No, I won’t be long
Goin’ down
In a minute I’ll be strong
For you, yeah

Well I’ve been thinking all day
Thinking things should change
Honey, I don’t want you different
But you know I can’t stay the same
Goin’ down
No, I won’t be long
Goin’ down In a minute I’ll be strong
For you, yeahStrong
For you, yeah

Well I can’t stop these feelings
From running around my brain
But I won’t mind tonight
When you’re in my arms again
No, I won’t mind tonight
When you’re in my arms again

Goin’ down
No, I won’t be long
Goin’ down, down, down, down
In a minute I’ll be
Strong, strong, strong, strong, strong
For you, yeah
Strong, strong, strong, strong, strong
For you, yeah
For you, yeah
For you, yeah

“I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself.” ― Maya Angelou

One year ago, I headed west for the best trip of my life thus far - California. I still find myself looking through the pictures. The wedding was one of the best I've been to, and I've been to more than my share! My desktop image is from the beach in Laguna. I met the late, great Harry the K in San Diego. In Hermosa, I spent a lot of time by myself and just wandering around. It is a time I will continue to relive.


This summer, I've been traveling a lot for work, which is vastly different for obvious reasons. In the last few months, I've been to San Jose, San Francisco, New York and Boston. I was slated for another San Fran trip - but I am not sure that is going to happen now. Planes and trains, day trips to NYC, huge hotel rooms just for me, expenses, long term parking and getting changed out of my suit in bathrooms at the airport...it's all new to me, and so so exciting.


Taking off and landing. Checking in and checking out. Coming and going.


Always coming back to one place - home.

Home is not where I push my key in the door and throw down my stuff. Home is not my apartment. Home is not my Mom's apartment. Home is not where I sleep. I'm fairly certain that I haven't truly felt at home - in the typical sense - since we moved out of Darby a few years back. It used to make me sad, but that is quickly changing.


"You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place."

-Garden State

I am finding home in small spaces and minutes in my day.

I am finding home in a song, or a line of a song, or a note.

I am finding home in the people I love, and am learning to love.

I am finding home in myself.