We're all mad here.

This week, I've officially fallen down the Rabbit-Hole. And it is only Tuesday.

I can't remember the last time, or if ever, I've had an anxiety attack, an official anxiety attack. What a disconcerting experience. To lose complete control, of your body and your mind. To not be able to see your way out. To feel like it is never going to end. To cry uncontrollably. To be unable to sit still or think about anything besides what is going on. And why.

It's the 'why' that gets me. I left work last Friday and - come on, it was FRIDAY. Is there anyone leaving work, leaving the city, on a Friday around 5ish who isn't in a great mood? On the train I get, and I'm riding riding riding...approaching my station and I start to shake. The shaking started on the inside and worked its way out. By the time I got to my car, I had to sit on my hands to stop them from spastically flying around. I couldn't even change the radio stations.

Logically, I couldn't find any explanation. At first, I didn't even know what was going on. After talking to Jackie, she confirmed it - anxiety. "It feels like my entire body is having restless leg syndrome." Yeah - anxiety.

But why? WhyWhyWhy. I will keep going back to why. I have all of your normal, late 20something worries. There is nothing standout that is going wrong or sour or downhill.

It's, quite literally, driving me crazy. The anxiety is feeding off of itself and festering in my head. It is causing me to make mountains out of teeny, tiny molehills. Then, the sequence repeats itself in an unending, emotional crash-and-burn that usually ends in some sort of fast food. Last night, it was Wendy's.

Instinctually, I want to fix things within myself. I want to get to the root of the issue, make it better and move on. It is proving difficult, thus far. Maybe I am not supposed to. Perhaps this is a lesson to me that everything has a cut-and-dry answer.

I cannot figure out Wonderland. I've decided to stop trying and keep falling.